TODDLERS. REPEAT. EVERYTHING
Me: That guy’s moustache is a little, umm… Brother: That’s not a porn ‘stache! Nephew: That’s not a porn ‘stache! Me: YES. THIS CHILD HAS MADE MY NIGHT.
spoiler alert: my brother's griddle broke so we're...
Conversation in my older brother’s livingroom: Mom: Well, what should we make for breakfast tomorrow? Brother: I’ve got bacon in the downstairs freezer… Dad: Wait a second, it’s Kate’s birthday tomorrow. What do you want? Me: Umm, well… Mom: Waffles? Me: The answer I’m about to give will make it sound like tomorrow is my ninth birthday. Mom:...
what do you mean No AutoFill option?
Anytime I need to fill something out and I can’t just do it online, I’m like, “You mean I have to PRINT THIS OUT and WRITE using a PEN? And I have to try to write NEATLY? And then I have to find an envelop and a stamp and walk this to the mailbox? UGH. Why don’t I just STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE, instead?”
bad news, y'all.
Rapture back on. Enjoy your summer!
i mean,dude, the gettysburg address was only 10...
Get a blooooog! And talk about your super-special situation there instead of inflicting it on advice columnists! Seriously. Anyone else remember being 22 and how extremely important everything was at all times? EVERYTHING. Every interaction was fraught with meaning and the drama, oh, the drama. Plus, I’m not even sure the LW really likes women or thinks women are smart. Then again,...
re: your brains. and your snobbery.
Read this Ok, so I listened to the podcast in question (Planet Money, Ep. #275, “Is This Man a Snuggie?”). Now, go ahead and listen to it, it’s free, it’s about 25 minutes. Ok. So, let’s get the argument straight here. The guest commentators Jacob Ganz and Frannie Kelle, seem to be arguing that the internet is bad for musicians because one musician was able to...
Secondly, “Fat Whore?” Like I didn’t hear that a thousand...– I want to meet me from five years ago and give me a high five for writing this in my journal. Also, all the journal digging is because I’m looking for inspiration for writing a short story or two while I have allll this free time. Haha, kidding, I have no free time but I want to write more,...
"it feels like it's mine!"
Lazily perusing old journals, I came across this line I wrote in 2007: “Suck it up, white boy. You still got Manifest Destiny.” It was from when the school I was at was retiring the mascot (a Native American), and people were up in arms over the “PC POLICE,” as they called it, “DESTROYING TRADITION.” Look. I’d really think hard about retiring the...
i'm not lying about the irate cat
He is not used to the thunderstorms. He was born in late fall/early winter and has never known what a thunderstorm is, and now we’re having them everyday and he is PISSED. When they happen overnight, he wakes me up by clinging fearfully to my side, kneading his claws into my arm with a look of anger in his eyes as if to say “WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE. MAKE IT STOP.” He hissed at...
it was kind of gross.
There was a moment today where I found myself in an empty bathtub clutching a flashlight, cell phone, and completely irate cat with one hand, a dictionary over my head with another, with tornado sirens going off all around, thinking to myself, “Self, if this is the kind of summer we’re going to have, you need to do a better job cleaning the bathtub.”
by the way, i'm an aunt again
She made it here before the rapture. Good planning, new niece!
what to name a baby born on the rapture?
My niece could be born any second now, according to my mom. Or at least anytime this weekend, and if she isn’t, they’ll induce on Monday. My guess is 3am, May 21st. But what name does one give a baby born on the Rapture? Especially a baby who will also have to carry around our consonant-laden Polish last name the rest of her life.
"In order to get through two long evenings of... →
Let it be known if we disagree with your politics here in the Twin Cities, we will have this guy throw shiny things on you. First it was Pennies on Emmer, now glitter on Newt.
I have a sinus infection, and at least 3 coworkers have 1) expressed kind sympathy and 2) told me how the neti pot has changed their lives. Hippies.
hey kids! don't forget!
Blogging and nyquil don’t mix!
i totally made my own infographic
This is for anyone who keeps passing around that “LOL TORNADOES IN THE BIBLE BELT” infographic like it’s FUNNY instead of stupid and insensitive to the people who, you know, were affected by it: STOP BEING THE WORST. Also, big ass line of storms coming to the Twin Cities right now. Motherfuck! We must have pissed off Karma! This is why we can’t have nice things,...
Just had a gossip session with one family member...
JUDGMENTAL BADGER FACE!!!!!
Let's be clear about this: Admiral Ackbar did NOT...
"fair sounding voices"
So lately the Max Fun forums (home of some of the podcasts I listen to — JJGo, Stop Podcasting Yourself, My Brother My brother and Me, and Judge John Hodgman) have been struck by a weird strain of spammers. They usually just come in and post separate, new topics that say things like, “BEST ELECTRONICS” or “LOOKING FOR HIGH FASHION PURSES,” etc. The general rule...
Oh, What Providence! A Daily Decemberists Blog: A... →
thedecemberists: Adored Mailing List Recipients, About a month ago, we all at Decemberists HQ got hit with some pretty hard news. Jenny Conlee, our since-the-very-beginning accordion and keyboard player and all-around rad person was diagnosed with breast cancer. If you or anyone in your world has been handed a… :-( Get well soon Jenny!
It’s like in golf, a lot of people — I don’t want this to sound trivial — but a...– Donald Trump on Gay Marriage (via rising) Is Trump’s strategy to make anti-gay statements in the form of sports metaphors in the hope that none of the gays understand them? (via camcron) So, he doesn’t want me to marry because I have a huge dick? I’m confused. (via radagast) LONG PUTTERS ARE...
SHUT IT DOWN
I wonder what it would be like to be someone who enters a comment section on a blog post with the intent to SHUT A PARTY DOWN. I really do wonder. I can get behind critiques or even angry, emotional responses. But I don’t think I have the ability to walk into an online social situation and be like, “HEY FUCKHEAD. YOU ARE SO WRONG YOU WERE BOOOORN WROOOOOONG. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR...
So apparently you can check your “tumblr crushes” stats, meaning the amount of love you devote to other tumblrs you follow. Apparently, what I really love are 1) Pictures of ancient things (the ancient world got 14% of my likes) and 2) Funny guys named Dave (Dave Shumka, 7% Dave Holmes, 5%). Either show me a picture of a mosaic or make me laugh or I HAVE NO USE FOR YOU. NONE.
How Can You Remember The Colors In the Rainbow?
lift your head, look out the window.
I am one of those people taking some sort of schadenfreuden relief in the death of Osama, for some reasons I can’t explain and some I can. One, I have a possibly naive hope that this means the war that has been going on since I was 19 can finally end. That we can get out of there, stop killing innocent people, and come home. Also, I have an over-arching problem with anyone who twists their...